A few weeks ago in my weekly email, I talked about how we are all a little imperfect. SO I decided to continue the story in this blog post.
We are all human and imperfect, we “should stop, shoulding (new word of my origin) all over ourselves” (Abby Wambach).
We all struggle… it is what we do with this struggle that sets us apart. (not rhetoric, really the truth).
Yet what if, and I am with you… SH%T seems to keep happening and this life we know “should” be perfect isn’t? When we are skinny, smaller, more fit person, shouldn’t our life be PERFECT? And why would someone, such as myself, who “knows” what she should be doing, still be struggling?
This year has been a year of revelations and all honesty dealing with my SH$T. It can be hard to look yourself in the face and know that;
YEP it is time to DEAL, AGAIN! That means I have to stop hiding, running, or just outright denying that this SH%T is hard! And I don’t have it all figured out yet.
I can remember as a kid, dreaming about that day that I would have “IT” all figured out, WHEN I GREW UP. When I would be thin, successful, happily married, nice house, picket fence, 2 dogs, 2 kids, and the only worry I would have, was the next location to go on our next vacation.
And here I am “ALL GROWN UP” and still figuring it out? WHAT? WHY!? OH Come on!!!
Lucky for you, I have been working on this for myself; and maybe, just maybe it can help you along the way…
So what was it that triggered me to revert to my old self?
It was about this time last year that I was really delving into and creating my online brand/business. This was huge for me, I am a bit of an introvert, who is a very guarded and private person I struggled with this, A LOT! With the encouragement of my coach Jill Coleman and many other ladies in various stages of creating their own online business’, I faced my fears and stepped out in the online space.
Absolutely the most uncomfortable feelings would pop up for me. I would sit in front of my computer trying to come up with something to say, just anything. It was so painful and exhausting. What did I have to say that someone else hasn’t already said, there were so many others that were better at this than me, etc.
Or what if no one reads it or likes it, what if my grammar sucks, what if I sound stupid and someone catches my stupidity, etc.
And those pictures I took in last year, I actually had to use them?!
Even though I was struggling, I stepped out in faith and put myself out there on the internet.
At that point I couldn’t tell you… it seemed so superficial and so NOT ME! Besides the fact that I didn’t want anyone to think that I was always on, looking like those pictures all the time. And the pain, it was not only emotional pain , it was physical pain.
OH BOY… This emotional and physical pain reminded me of my old self and stressed me out to the point of triggering me into some of my old behaviors.
So I struggled with being that “online” personality vs the real me. And then there was that moment when I started living that old life that I hated, so much. Those nagging, destructive habits, behaviors and actions that brought me to the brink of misery and sheer desperate unhappiness, slowly creeped back into my daily life.
And how did I not notice? How can this happen?
Remember I am an introvert by nature, I am a very private and guarded person, so “putting” myself out there didn’t feel like the “REAL” introverted me.
Why did I and why do I keep putting myself out there, even though it is so painful?
Brene Brown puts it so succinctly, “Connection is why we are here and shame is our fear of disconnection.”
So as Brene Brown suggests, I am telling my story with my whole heart, telling who I am hoping that you can connect with me and learn from me.
And when I see others, that remind me of my old self, suffering, struggling and in pain; I want to help I want to offer up what I know has brought me out of my struggle, pain and suffering.
My goal was to tell you my story of struggle and pain; while also helping you move beyond it, then I am fulfilling my purpose of service and connection in this world. It brings me great joy and happiness when I am having an impact on other’s lives for the better. When I am doing what brings me so much joy and happiness, it doesn’t seem like work, or a fake “online” personality. It just feels like the real, raw me. I wake up and let go of my miserable old self, feeling fulfilled and connected with this world the way it was meant to be.
As much as I want to just exist and do my own thing; there is this nagging feeling in my gut that is telling me more. What its telling me is; I need to do more, I need to give back, I need to live my life with intention and purpose.
What can you learn from me?
The common denominator in all of my “struggles, pain and suffering” is ME!
In order for me to move closer to greater joy and happiness in my connection with others, I had to.
- No longer hang back in my shame of disconnection, I could no longer hide behind not belonging, I had to just put myself out there.
- Get uncomfortable and do things that may be scary and painful at first, but lead me away from constant suffering and struggle.
- Learn how to be in “limbo”; not knowing the outcomes and not knowing how to get there.
- Find peace with being present in the moment, not trying to “overcome” the past or predict the future.
No prediction is ever needed when you live your life with love and intention. I am who I am today, based on my life experiences “MY PAST”. My choice is to not regret my experiences or feel shame for what I may or may not have done. These experiences are lessons, or truths which are part of my soul, giving me knowledge on how to proceed for the future.
Most of all I have to have GRATITUDE for my current state of mind, NO judgement on not being perfect; CONTENT with ME being ME.
As always my intention in writing this or anything else I have out there, is to possibly help you.
Every week I send an email to my inner circle, exploring ways to overcome struggle, pain and suffering; specifically surrounding roller coaster dieting and extreme exercise. If you feel like you want more, JOIN HERE