Well I looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said ‘Do your best, destroy me. You see, I’ve been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you bore me’. -Ray Lamontagne

**I wrote this post back in September and posted it on my Facebook Page.  At the time I was struggling a lot and wanted to share my struggle.  Today I have to say I am now feeling a bit different.

Yet I am still hearing so many woman saying these things to themselves, so I wanted to re-post and share here on my blog page as well.**

“Don’t rock the boat…”
When it comes to causing waves is there ever a time when you hold yourself back, just because you are afraid? Saying what you mean and not saying it mean is a lesson that I am learning the hard way.

Recently I have truly been struggling with a bit of in-authenticity. As a person who values other human beings enough to allow them to be authentically themselves, I am failing miserably with myself.

This type of self-preservation lacks depth and purpose, other than to stay safe and controlled in a world lacking meaning and spirit. I am saying this as a confession in the face of my lack of meaning, depth and spirit, I want to say this in the most self-compassionate manner however I feel a need to self-deprecate and demean my hypocritical life.

I spend so much time trying not to rock the boat, yet watch out when I do, it can come on like a tsunami and really can’t be stopped. Like this huge wave it manifests itself in the form of self-abuse, self-hatred and self-neglect.

There is nothing worse than a woman standing in front of a mirror and throwing barbs at what she sees, yet I do this on a regular basis, most especially when I feel my spirit and energy lacking any meaning or purpose.

It hurts my soul when I hear another woman saying horrible, demeaning, self-loathing statements about herself, because I know where she is coming from, I know her deeply and intimately, she is me and she is who I can be..

Then comes the self-reflective clean up committee and the need to fix what just happened, either looking externally or internally for a fix, solution, preventative to make sure that this may not happen again.

The ruler by which I set this standard if externally is always what the world sees or will see of me, however internally it is more difficult it takes time to revisit the reasoning behind what happened.

Eloquently put here by Brendon Burchard “SERIOUSLY, there is nothing wrong with you. Let the stories go, and carry on, please, for the sake of your own sanity and contributions. Just start acting as your most intentional, loving self. Trust all will be well from there. “

Wow “intentional, loving self”, so that means I have to love myself as well. I can’t love others if I am unable to love myself enough to be true to myself. A true test is self-compassion and letting it all hang out for all to see. Not worrying about what the world sees on the outside when my hair is messy, tear stained face, shirt wrinkled, or silly fun loving, kid at heart, authentically me.

So every day I expose myself to being in line with the person I know is more in line with that authentic self I value. So I am letting my “stories” go, and living my life as it is today and will be in the future.

I know happiness is not a constant however it takes living in the now, learning from the past (letting go) and looking toward an awesome future. Only I can create that by being first loving to myself and giving this lesson back to those around me.

“Quit taking inventory of all your faults. You may have a lot wrong with you, but you have a lot right with you. When God made you, He wasn’t having a bad day. You’re not a mistake. You’ve been fearfully and wonderfully made. When God created you, He stepped back and said it is good. He calls you a masterpiece.” Joel Osteen

Is there a time when you just beat yourself up for no reason, when you feel that you are failing and you think you need to beat yourself up for your failure? Every week I talk about how to beat those demons, you know those one’s that tell you to do that starvation diet, and extreme amounts of exercise.  I send out weekly emails with steps to break this cycle of self-shaming and start loving yourself today.  Sign up here